Monday, May 13, 2013

Like Song of Deliverance

Sometime last year the Lord showed me that I needed to move forward in two areas of my life that has just been stagnate for a while.  And while I have devoted some time to these areas, there hasn't been a great deal of progress.  You would think it would be easy.  God tells you what to do and you do it.  Right?  No.  I struggled so hard with what to do.  I knew the direction God wanted me to start heading towards, but certain things just didn't make any sense to me!  So I struggled and pulled away from what I knew God wanted me to be doing and clung to what I thought would be the best and only thing I should be going.  Let's face it, I could work on whatever God wanted me to work on and still cling to what I felt safe and comfortable with....right?

Well, I ended up being just plain miserable.  And doing what I felt safe and comfortable with became just the opposite.  I would go about my work and feel like I didn't belong there and get a super strong feeling that I couldn't stand being there any longer!  Allow me to clarify what I mean by doing what I was comfortable with and made me feel safe.  

As you know I worked at a christian camp and retreat center called His Thousand Hills.  My mom had gotten a job through a program that assists people 55 and older in finding employment, and they placed her at HTH.  The camp always can use extra hands so my mom suggested that I could come and help out.  I took her suggestion and started volunteering there in June of 2009.  I just kept coming back and by the end of that year they offered for my mom and me to come on as staff.  We still had to raise support as the camp is funded based on donations, but we decided to pray and seek God's will.  He told us that HTH was where we were meant to be.

So HTH became my home away from home.  A place where God healed some of the hurts and pains in my life.  Where each summer He allowed me to learn something new and pushed me a little more out of my comfort zone. And then that one year happened where He blessed me with two of the bestest friends a girl could ask for.  Friends who pray, cry, laugh and have talked with me about things I never thought I'd ever share with anyone.  The list could go on and on with what God gave to me by allowing the opportunity to minister there.  Yes, there were still up and down times, but He always shined through and gave me the strength I needed to do what He had for me to do at HTH.

Perhaps you can see why it made no sense to me that when God clearly showed me, "I don't want you there anymore."

My shocked response was: "Really?!?! Are you sure?  You can't possibly mean that I have to leave and go to....go to what?"

I kept thinking, "This must be my flesh, the devil, a spiritual attack or something else!"

I stayed and felt conflicted for months.  Finally, it overwhelmed me.  I turned to the Lord and asked Him to show me what to do.  He said told me to "be still and seek me".  So I took a day where I let go of all my expectations, desires and even my goals and dreams and sought and asked God to show me what HIS will was.

It was still difficult to let go of the camp.  In fact, even though deep inside I knew that the Lord wanted me to leave, I still would ask Him to "show me what You want me to do".  I'm so glad He's patient and didn't strike me with a bolt of lightning!

I sought God on a Wednesday and that Saturday I still went to camp asking Him to clearly (yes, it's okay to laugh and shake your head in disbelief ) I mean REALLY clearly show me!   The response that was whispered to my heart was, "I've already showed just need to do it."

That night the door opened to let me intentions of leaving be known to the camp leaders.  It was amazing how God just opened the door, where I had no choice but to spill the beans! ;)

What was it that God wanted me to move forward in?  He has always given me songs to sing in my time of the first thing was to really focus on sharing those songs with others.  The second was to working on writing.  I've always loved to write stories and articles...and God has given me so many ideas that I just need to get them written!
It hasn't been the smoothest since I made the decision and followed through on it.  A week and a half after I told the camp I was leaving I lost my singing voice for over a month!  It was difficult to talk, but singing was impossible!  I feel into despair thinking, "How am I supposed to get these songs out there if I can't even sing them!"  I actually began to believe that I would never sing again.  My health took a HUGE step back-I'm still trying to get some strength back from that.  And a few other areas in my life seemed to fall out from under me.  I mentioned that my voice left for over a month...well, all of this kept happening over those same weeks.  And I had thought things were rough when I kept insisting that I had to stay at the camp!

It wasn't until I was texting a friend that I realized and recognized that what was happening was a spiritual attack.  It wasn't until I left HTH that the enemy insisted on breaking my spirit..and he still does...after all the devil knows just the buttons to push that allow us to falter and fall.  After that our flesh takes over and the doubts start to come and cloud our mind and heart.  I'm grateful for my family and friends who prayed me through those rough weeks! 

It's funny how once you realize what is really happening, the spiritual attack, it lets up.  My friend started praying, my mom started praying and I knew others may not have known, but they were praying too.  I'm thankful that I no have my singing voice back.  My health always has it's ups and downs, but in the down moments I just have to focus on what I can do and let everything else go so as not to get stressed about it! :)

It's important to realize that when God wants us to do something for Him, the devil won't like it.  But our God is bigger and mightier than he is...which means we've already got the victory!

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1 comment:

  1. It is amazing the ways God chooses to speak to us. I always know it is Him even when I, very often, want to doubt. He takes such care over the smallest things that I think wouldn't really matter to Him. I figure, "Surely He has larger concerns to deal with." Yet He is there answering in ways that I know can only be Him. He leaves me smiling in amazement and praising Him for everything.