Friday, December 27, 2013

God's Got This Part 1


New Year

Let’s travel back in time to December  31, 2012. The clock is steadily ticking closer and closer to mid-night. Parties all around the globe are in full swing as everyone breathlessly waits for the countdown that will soon begin. 

Not everyone, however, was at a party having fun and getting ready to sing “Auld Lang Syne” or get a kiss from a sweetheart. This particular year I was one of those people missing out on all the fun and games.

Instead of looking forward to midnight and staying up specially to greet the New Year I was sitting on my couch dreading the seconds that quickly slipped by. Side note: why is it when I want time to slow down it doesn’t but when I need it to speed up it drags on slowly?

I was not looking forward to 2013 at all and the only reason I was awake was that I was hoping that if I stayed up 2013 wouldn’t actually start. Since I’ve not figured out how to control time there was a fat chance of that happening! Was there something bad that I knew would happen in 2013? No. Was something planned that I was nervous about? Nope! Just not looking forward to spending another year taking a half a step forward and getting pushed, shoved and smacked back three steps.

To be fair, 2012 hadn’t been the worst year, but for quite a few years both my family and I had been struggling. For me it wasn’t just with the financial strain, but also physical-I have health challenges that make it difficult to function. The mental and emotional strain was suffocating me-when you’re constantly struggling with physical challenges it’s hard to have energy to even think about things that normally you could do in your sleep! As for emotions, let’s face it, when you’re constantly stuck at home on a couch or in bed when everyone around you is busy doing and living life…it’s tough. Even the spiritual struggles were wearing me down as each year passed by.

I continued to read my bible and pray, but quite often I struggled with bitterness and anger at God for allowing me to go through the trials that kept coming and living a life I did not choose. Some days I knew God was reaching out to me, but I refused to pick up his word. I would tell him: “I’m upset at up you and I know if I read your word today you’re going to show me something that will make me want to come back to you and right now I don’t want to hear it!”

Need-less-to-say, I was tired and worn out. The prospects of facing another year, but did not cheer me at all. What made this night even sadder was that after sitting on the couch by myself for a while, my sister joined me. We must have looked sight! 

Both of us checked the clock and saw it was only a half hour before the New Year rolled in. we turned to look at each other and my sister said, “I’m not looking forward to this new year.” My heart readily agreed with her sentiment. 

There was still something inside of me that said, I can make this a good year! I just didn’t see how it would be a good year. 

Well, one thing you can’t stop is time and the New Year started whether we liked it or not. And it was the worst start to a year you could have. Three days in we received a call from a family that we really cared about. Their oldest grandchild, who was just shy of turning thirteen died in a tragic accident.

Our hearts were broken. Attending the viewing and then the funeral was the hardest thing I’d had to do. Knowing the loss and heartbreak the family was going through and would go through over the coming years just tore me up inside. I felt like I was going through the loss of my dad again. The only difference was the emotions were ten times worse.

As the months continued it was one situation after another that took place and continued to beat me down. There were little blessing mingled in here and there throughout the year, but over all a lot more valleys than mountain tops. A lot more struggles than victories.

God had been teaching me to trust him for years-by this point and time it had to have been at least six years since I’d come to that point were God was teaching and showing me how to trust him. Each time I felt like I was beginning to make progress in my trust in God, and he’d then show me that I really hadn’t learned my lesson yet, and would take me a little farther down the trust road.

Often I would believe he’d come through and give up right before he’d provide the blessing I was looking for. Sometimes I’d stay strong right to the end, but I was frustrated that I kept faltering and failing. I mean he’s my heavenly father…I can trust him just as I trusted my parents as a child. Why couldn’t I learn my lesson?

I get annoyed at things and let’s just say I was fully annoyed by this point! Yes, fully trusting someone is choice and it can be a hard choice when you are believing in faith that things will go right. Looking back on all the trust lessons I’m seeing that God teaches us as we go so we don’t get overwhelmed and I am grateful for him allowing me to see his work in my life. 

To be continued....

1 comment:

  1. Your testimony sounds all to familiar Rebekah, I dont mean to sound like a know it all. I can just relate to everything you are saying. The struggles, frustrations, anger, confusion, trust, all of it. within the past year my family suffered something very hard and ofcourse I looked for the purpose. I struggle the most between trusting myself, that what I am doing is what the Lord wants me to. There have been so many times in my life that I looked for Gods leading and asked for him to point me in the right direction, even within the past year. A life defining relationship, so I thought. Then turn around and feel blind sided, just because what I thought was happening, was not what the Lord saw happening. I question my own judgement so much because I have year after year seeked and wanted the Lords will in everything I did, yet I always was disappointed, at least in my eyes at the time. God always knows what he is doing, I always find myself thinking I am finally figuring out the right direction for my life and then the road disappears. Then I feel lost and the Lord directs me back to his word. Its so easy to feel afraid or get lost when I leave his word. like you I dont want to get back in it, because I want or look for some life defining moment to say change your direction, when in reality those moments occur on a daily basis between ourselves and the Holy Spirit. We just have to listen and continue to make that decision to listen. rather then looking for that worldly life defining moment :) THANKS for sharing