Saturday, May 3, 2014
Being vulnerable is something that's not easy for everyone. For me, I'm a private person and my vulnerabilities are weakness that I don't want to share. I want people to see me as this person who has it all together and doesn't make stupid mistakes.
But the truth is....there are times I feel like I'm barely making it. Holding it together- it's a front and a fascade just for the benefit of those around me. Often inside I was crying out for help, but for some reason, felt that if I shared my need for help it would ruin my credibility.
What. A. Lie. True, some people could use a more restrain in holding back their problems, mistakes and feelings. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. The people who talk about it so much that it's all you hear from them. And you eventually get to a point where you ignore and try to stay out of their way because- God forbid you start a conversation as you'll be stuck the next 45 minutes listening to: "blah, blah, blah....and then I just couldn't take it anymore! (cue the crying). Blah, sniff, sniff, blah."
Thankfully, most people I've met aren't like this. But why do we feel like that's what we're doing when we're being true about ourselves? Why is it that instead of being vulnerable we feel like we need to present this fake person who is on top of everything?
I know that from my upbringing, there was a time where I felt like if I was true to who I was- I wasn't a good person and probably backslidden. Or I'd get reprimanded or chewed out and it was inapropiate to stand for what I thought because then I was being disrespectful.
There is a fine line between disrespect and standing for what you believe it right and true. Being a hypocrite isn't the answer. And that's what I felt like I was. And I hate hypcrites. I'd rather a person be honest about themselves than live a lie. Or work to better themselves than hurt those around them.
Being a writer has been difficult at times as I've had to use my personal, deepest and most inner struggles, thoughts and who I am and bring it out for the world to see. But I've always appreciated when someone I looked up to spoke about something they went through and became vulnerable.
It made me feel like I wasn't alone. Someone had been through what I'd been through or was going through and if they could do it- and still be awesome- so could I!
It still isn't easy. I still wonder...what are people thinking? They must think I'm pathetic! But then I remember: what other's think of me doesn't matter. It doesn't define who I am, what I've done or what I will do.
Not everyone will be happy or like what I say, write or share. But that's okay. Obviously, they aren't who I'm called to reach in that moment. They may hate me...but really does that matter?
What's important is that I'm living my life doing what God has for me to do. If being vulnerable and being the real me is hard, then I have to trust that God will use that for a purpose greater than I can know and understand. Frankly, I'm okay with that because I believe that God's Got This and I trust in him!